Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Spring Cleaning My Whole Life

"Why on earth do I have so much stuff?" I asked myself only after I'd pulled out the entire contents of my wardrobe. I don't think I realized that my hoarding habit had got quite that ridiculous until then. I mean, it was so bad that I was shocked not to find mini lost Amazonian tribes in there in their own little mini world.

This week is my designated 'spring clean' because lo and behold, my 16th birthday arrives this Thursday and I want to clear out the shit of school and my past and have a new, fresh start. New college, new friends, being discharged from the CAHMS system, a fresher room and a new me is exactly what I need, and exactly what I'm making happen.

I'm going to explain some of my story today, which is a tender subject, but hopefully it'll help you to understand my music and my outlook more, and just how much it means to me that some people like my music.

Basically, I've always had troubles when it came to people and being accepted. In primary school I was always 'the fat one',  and in secondary school I was always too 'weird' to be seen with. I studied hard, I dressed flamboyantly, I loved all sorts of unusual things compared to other people, and I hated most things that were 'in'. And obviously because of the way people treated me, spoke about me, the physical trials they put me through and also other factors which made me wary of the opposite gender, I began to hate myself.
Understatement. I despised myself and I wanted to die so badly and there was nobody I could talk to. I'd pushed everybody who did care away and tried everything to cope with my feelings; various forms of self harm and trying to make myself perfect. But I don't want to dwell on the past now. I will blog about my eating disorder some other time in relation to the media and peer pressure, but not now. The point is, without having music and my online fandoms to help me, I probably wouldn't be here. Being in and out of counselling never really helped me, and school was shit at doing anything until the final year.

Anyway, the important thing now is to wake up every morning and thank God that he led me back to him after I lost all belief, hope, and general understanding of myself and be damn proud of myself for getting through it all. Even just 6 months ago, when I first attempted to become Astrid-Gwynedd I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and now I'm here. Okay, I still have some quite horrendous days and I am still on medication, but that's to be expected. The difference though, is incredible. I've learnt that although I may not be the most talented, intelligent or beautiful girl, and I may have quite a few extra pounds around my waist from binge eating due to stress, but what does it matter? I finally accept that I have a right to be just as happy as the next person, and if I want to be then I shouldn't care about these things. My unusual tastes make me more cultured, my looks don't matter compared to my nature and as long as I enjoy my hobbies that's all that matters.

And you know the ironic thing? I have more friends at college than any of those people who gave me problems at school.

I'd like to finish off this post by making a plea to anybody out there who feels victimized, worthless and suicidal. Tell somebody. Tell somebody who can do something. It's so difficult, but if you can talk about the way you feel then you're on the first step to finding your light and coming out of the darkness. Even if you want somebody else to do it for you and 'notice' to prove they care, you have to be the one to do it. You're the one in control, and you really are in control. One day, it could be you having come out of it all, stronger and better than the people who dragged you down and you're not alone. You never will truly be alone. Just remember how incredibly brave and amazing you are.

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